DownSydUp

2006-03-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

2006-03-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

1-on-1

2006-03-19T22:46:00.000-08:00

He seems to enjoy calling me out for a little game of 1-on-1. And so slyly does he operate. Right in front of all except only visible to me. It's not at all as it is often portrayed, yet it is exactly as it is told.

Overreaction

2006-03-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

Don't be so paranoid. It's just a little fish. They're all over. It's completely harmless. You are always trying to make things into much more than they are.

Kryptonite

2006-03-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

Why, this Kryptonite?

Slide

2006-03-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

Undoubtedly I am on a downward slide. Time continues on as normal while I seem to be in slow motion. It is really difficult to come out of it. Even though I know exactly how to, I seem to be bent on going where it will take me. Physically I feel a very strange sensation. It is not a headache, though my reactions to it are the same as if it were. The head down, hand on forehead, stressed squint when looking up and exaggerated slow movements are all very common indicators that I am in this downward slide. I have very little patience now with others. Their reaction to me amplifies the intensity of my downward slide. I wake up constantly at 2:10am and feel tired but wide awake. My mind replays thoughts over and over again. The sensation I have is like my brain is full of holes, like swiss cheese. I also have a feeling that I remember having as a kid when I was in trouble for something. It is like I have been crying for a long time, though I haven't. My eyes burn and I feel cold. I feel like curling up under some heavy blankets. My intake of coffee goes up considerably during this time. Neither the slide nor the interupted sleep are initiated by coffee though it probably contributes once all is in motion. I think the main reason that I increase coffee during this time is because I feel like I need that crutch after not being able to sleep restfully. Along with the coffee, I seem to start to crave sweet things. Coffee and sweet things become my dear friends. I feel almost like my coffee is a conscious being. This must be how hardcore drugs are for some. I'm very glad I never let myself go that direction. I'll bet my personality fits to a tee the type that gets into trouble with mind altering substances.

So what is the way that I know so exactly to pull myself out of this slide? Physical exertion. It works and it works quickly. My mood changes so drastically that I can sit there an hour afterwards laughing and wondering why I had such a hard time actually making myself do it. It really is like being two separate people--that is how big a difference it makes. Though it has an immediate effect, it must be continued on a regular basis or else back into the downward slide is unavoidable. Even as I sit here and write about it, I cannot get going. I am feeling like laying down. I don't understand. Anybody not in this trance would think this sounds ridiculous, the remedy is right there in sight but enacting it is difficult. It is almost like there is a force within myself that wants to take the downward slide. I think I'll have another cup of coffee, that will motivate me to do it. Maybe I'll have some cookies with that coffee. I'm serious. Oh, maybe I'll watch "Analyze This!" I like that.

2006-02-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

Stranded

2006-02-06T22:33:00.000-08:00

If I was stranded in the wilderness without anything, I think I would probably really miss nail clippers.

Super Bowl

2006-02-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'd have to say Seattle as Pittsburgh doesn't have anyone to match up with the Sea Gals.

What is a Cup of Vegetables?

2006-02-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

I really don't understand what quantity is intended when portions of vegetables are referred to in cups. Now it is obvious that canned vegetables can usually be measured simply in this fashion; but, fresh vegetables (ie., broccoli) just don't seem to fit this style of measuring.

Stumbled

2006-01-30T23:37:00.000-08:00

upon that which was once lost. Caught that old wave of energy. Felt it for just a moment. But I must go, other things call for attention. I'll return to re-examine this and possibly grow it into something.

AIM

2006-01-30T19:19:00.000-08:00

To be a better person. Not to pretend to be a better person, nor to dole out fluffy "respectful", superficial remarks, but to be truly a better person. Realizing that credit may never be given, still perservering to be a better person.

Oranges

2006-01-22T23:47:00.000-08:00

Though oranges are available year-round, the bulk of the crop grown in the United States is harvested during the colder monthes: October through April. Is it a coincidence that this immune bolstering fruit is so plentiful when we need it most?

Simplicity

2005-12-28T23:44:00.000-08:00

Simply a simpleton.

Dog

2005-12-11T23:17:00.000-08:00

I was a dog. I still am a dog. As funny as it sounds, I don't mean it in the funny way, and yet it is still funny. At one time I thought I was so smart that I had to have been someone great in a previous life. After having lived with myself now for some time, I am truly convinced that I was a dog in my previous life. I think I was a good dog, though possibly a stray. I loved to chase down birds, balls, sticks, butterflies, etc. Still when I see a ball rolling away from those playing with it, I have to do everything in my power to keep from chasing it down. I even catch myself suddenly darting out to try to catch birds. I am quite simple minded. My great thoughts are really not great at all. They have only seemed great to me because I am a simple-minded dog. I'm not kidding--I really enjoy chasing things and I don't know why. It is just some left-over instinct I have.

Paddle Out

2005-11-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

I wonder how far I could go if I just paddle out until I could paddle no longer. Just paddle, paddle, paddle and paddle. Then paddle some more. This thought has been occurring repetitively over the last 24 hours. Not sure why, but I am feeling that compulsion. I am feeling that there is little need for me to turn and paddle back, just paddle out.

Music Question

2005-10-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

I have no background or technical knowledge of music. I enjoy music but I do not know much about it. I am curious, if two or more people take a new song that they have never before heard and perform that song without any outside influence except for the written lyrics and musical notes, will the different performances sound alike?

Lights Out?

2005-07-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like it could be lights out at any moment.

Sleep

2005-06-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

A reduced need for sleep symptom of condition

or

Lack of adequate sleep contributor to condition?

Transition?

2005-06-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

This has been one of the longest boring states I have ever been in despite some things that could be considered quite interesting. There doesn't seem to be much of anything that I care much about. I have become a space taker. I sense though that a change is occurring. Specific characteristics of what has just been continue to exist but mixed with quite the opposite. An intentional--wow, I completely lost that line of thought. That too, is a sign. I wonder how quickly the change occurs.

space taker

2005-06-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

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Later than

2005-06-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

Not Easy

2005-06-22T01:48:00.000-07:00

You make it...

Unguarded

2005-06-22T01:37:00.000-07:00

These moments, opportunities, don't occur often these days, you should take advantage. I'm open, but only for a while longer.

$6.99

2005-06-22T01:33:00.000-07:00

Isn't $6.99 a worthy expense? I am invested but need input, where are you?

Intervention

2005-06-22T01:17:00.000-07:00

God, can't you help out here? It is, after all, all for you in the end. Intervene, God, intervene...

Example

2005-06-22T01:12:00.000-07:00

Just look at the past. Look at the investment vs. the result. The past shall tell the truth of what I seek. Isn't there one person that can inspire some creativity? Isn't there at least one in all of the world?

Inspiration

2005-06-22T01:06:00.000-07:00

Come now,Ladies, I'm in need of some real inspiration--something to last more than 24, I need an obsession. Something that humbles me, something that I have to battle not to thing of... I only expect you to lend your energy...

Reflection

2005-06-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

And after looking back on the last few days, Down said, "God, you did a good thing...".

The Edge

2005-02-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

Now I am definitely out of my comfort zone and teetering on the edge. This is not necessarily anything new to me. I have a pattern of being on the edge for an extended period and then moving to the comfort zone for an extended period. I am putting everything into this and hoping it all works out. Unless some solid positive things occur, it will not work out. Now that I have put myself on the edge, I am beginning to realize just how shaky my support base is. There might be trouble brewing that I am not able to overcome. My lack of formal training is becoming extremely apparent and I am in way over my head. I am doing my best to stay afloat but the current is just washing me away. Maybe it was assumed that I was a good swimmer. I need to rethink an alternative plan--fast.

GRA(E)Y

2005-02-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

Time and again I have observed that I am a composition of equal amounts of relative positive and negative. When I am fully blended, I am a boring bored gra(e)y. When I get motivated and push hard to be positive, I seem to succeed only in separating my elements of composition. I appear to become an extreme hypocrite, for almost as surely as I move my positive particles together to form one more purely positive mass, I also succeed in leaving all of my negative particles to form a more purely negative mass of their own.

And What Without God?

2005-02-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

The day carried over enough of those failures that know how to build up and avalanche down overpowering any resemblence of resistance. Amazingly and without good explanation, mercy proliferated and I was able to wade through the mess to survive the day. Now I know all about working hard to earn positive feelings but truly I am feeling great after making it through on luck and mercy alone. This again reminds me of the value of a merciful god. This god is merciful enough to send a beautiful angel down to enlighten my soul if only for a couple of minutes. Yes, Erin F. walked in and smoothly sang her song then exited leaving a delicately beautiful taste in the air. God knew exactly what it would take to get my attitude grinning. The day was still not over, still had plenty of reason to turn bad but for some strange lucky reason, it all stayed together. I even seemed to get stronger as the day went on. Feeling somewhat exhausted but happy, I tended to a few additional tasks and then headed home. While fueling up the car, I heard a shopping cart rattling toward me accompanied by a voice asking, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The cart owner lit up when he realized that he found someone who was truly intrigued by the question. In fact, after 15 minutes of discussion, he totally forgot to deliver his plea for change. I completely forgot that he might ask. Though he was hopelessly jumping from one biblical assertion to the next, searching to make another connection, I remained afixed on the original question. I asked him to repeat his original question and he seemed lost almost as though he didn't even remember what that question was. So I repeated it myself to him. You asked me, I said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" He looked for an appropriate followup but none was available. My real question to him was, "Isn't heaven a selfish concept?" He weakly argued some cliched points and slowly faded from my presence. Still I pondered, isn't heaven a selfish concept? Am I expected to do good so that I can be judged in such a way as to earn my way to heaven? What if god said, "No matter what you do in this life, I am going to send you to hell where you will suffer for all eternity." Would that be a ticket to do bad? Or would I still try to do good?

It Wasn't Me

2005-01-31T20:44:00.000-08:00

I said I would grant you a sky full of dramatic cumulus that seemed unending. I promised you a place that was better. And though I said it, it was not of me for I do not have the power to grant skies and I don't have better places to promise. I helped those people. I reached out and saved them from death. And even though I was there, it was not me, for I was not there. I suffered and I wondered why. I wondered why others had the power to risk my life and put me in danger. I was mad. I thought, I too have a life, and I too have people I love. Who are they to demand I lay myself on that river bank and wait like a sitting duck to be torn apart by the "opposition"? But I was not there and I was not at risk. When I spoke of the event, I did so as though I was making up the occurence. But I did not create that terrible event. In my guilt, I work hard to develop a reason for it all and the reasons make fearful sense. Even so, I did not make it happen.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2005-01-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, if I would have remembered before being reminded, I would have gone fishing just for old times sakes. Does God let you go fishing in Heaven?

Picture in Picture

2005-01-22T21:49:00.000-08:00

Lately I have returned to seeing things in addition to those that I expect to be in my field of vision. I have always seemed to have something strange occur regarding my vision and it seemed then to be somehow associated with blood sugar levels or something like that as the occurences usually coincided with a weak, sweaty, shaky feeling and a craving for something like apple pie. Those occurences though usually included seeing the commonly described spots and a washout of colors. When things were at their worst, I would see stationary objects like rocks or pieces of wood suddenly take flight right in front of me. The visions were so realistic that I would duck to avoid being hit by the flying items while observers probably thought I was on drugs. I have also had other types of visions but those seem unassociated so I will not elaborate for fear of self-incrimination. Now then, about my current visions, I have been seeing a black dot seem to run or fly across my field. This dot is not fuzzy like the alleged sugar associated spots I mentioned earlier. This dot seems to give the impression that a large insect or something is running right across my path. Sometimes it startles me slightly. It has become persistent and consistent enough that I have come to figure it might be a particle in my eye or some other eye-related problem. I have, however, put this explanation on hold while I try to understand the latest twist that I have been experiencing. A large block of multicolored light began appearing. This sudden appearance would surprise me and make me jump a bit and then it would disappear. However the block is starting to last a little longer now as I get more accustomed to seeing it. The last two times I saw it, it appeared to be a vision of another scene--right on top of my normal field of vision. The best way I can describe it is as the PIP feature on some televisions where you can put a small picture of one channel or video source superimposed upon the screen which is showing another channel or video source at full size. I believe this feature is usually called Picture-In-Picture. I have noticed that the smaller picture is beginning to develop more detail. I cannot see yet for sure what is going on in the other picture but it definitely is not associated with the regular scene I am seeing. My last experience gave me the impression that two people were in the scene. I saw this when I was in a room by myself so those other two people were not a part of my then present state or at least, they were not in my same state of being. I am getting feelings that these visions may develop into a vision of the future or maybe of the past or maybe even of something occurring somewhere else simultaneously or possibly in another dimension? Okay, enough of that, I guess I will just have to see what happens as these visions continue to develop if they continue to develop.

Test of New Memory

2005-01-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

This is just a test of the newly installed memory.

Hell, Maybe There Is Heaven

2005-01-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

So many of the bravest, most noble and selfless acts occur when things are at their worst. It takes Hell to make Heaven.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2005-01-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday DRB. You are missed. Many days these days fail to measure up to those days.

STATE of FEAR

2005-01-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

Has anybody found Michael Crichton's latest book interesting in light of the current events?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2005-01-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

You symbolize a new beginning. Happy Birthday KB (KW) (yes you), my love!!!

Tsunami Warning System

2004-12-30T20:28:00.000-08:00

We have the U. S. West Coast and Alaska Tsunami Warning Center and we have the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center in Hawaii which together provide advanced warning of dangerous Tsunamis. We definitely need to learn a lesson from the current tragedy and get a global warning system in the works.

Never will we be able to foolproof our lifes and eliminate or warn of all threats but we must continue to do what we can. Many observers have remarked that the West Coast Tsunami Warning system is really not a very expensive system. It sounds like it would be a worthwhile expenditure.

Pictures Back

2004-12-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

Whoa. I can't believe one little email got all my images back. I still haven't been able to get the email post to work from the phone. I get error messages that there is non-compatible content--even though I forwarded from a text only email account! Hmmm. This one will take some thought or maybe I can find some tips out there somewhere.

Test #2 of the Email poster

2004-12-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

Okay, Test #1 seems to have gotten lost somewhere. Nothing in posts and
obviously nothing published. This could be quite interesting though. I hope
I can make it work. And now with picture phones and internet phones, I hope
they make it work with images too.

Test #4 of the Email Post Function

2004-12-28T21:15:00.000-08:00

Oh, I am getting disappointed in what I thought was going to be a good
thing because it doesn't seem to work and I can't find any in-depth
trouble shooting info. So now I am trying it from gmail since it is
owned by the same people as blogger. Well, what do I think?

Test of the email post

2004-12-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

This is a test of the email post function. I am not going to bother with
trying to figure it out, as most of these newer things seem to work better
if I don't know too much about it and instead just use them. Like that picture
posting/hosting contraption that is all free! I can't believe it. We are
actually getting some solid infrastructure here.

Still Here

2004-12-27T19:49:00.000-08:00

My image hosting site has eroded, so none of my docs or pics show up anymore, but this text happy site is still here. I quite hoped that it would be gone. Then I would not feel compelled to write something. This long away and still I feel so unoriginal. I think I am now experiencing the punishment of having spent too much time thinking about things or nothings. It seems now that almost no thought catches me by surprise. I feel as though all of my thoughts and even most actions are repeats of things I have already thought, dreamt or done did.

Still I love her. She has stolen a part of me. They taunt me with her likeness. A likeness that I, myself, specially ordered. They love to see me suffer. They love to see me empty and wandering about. Some say they'd love to see me hang myself. And still--I love her. She seems to cooperate with them. Oh, how sweetness hurts me. That rush, then the reaction and then lower than before. Why, I wonder. I love her so...

Wrong Again?

2004-06-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

Whoa...I took a look at my last post and I saw how wrong I was. Today is not May 16. Isn't it strange how at the time I wrote that post, it really did seem like it was May 16? My mind is playing tricks on me. I could swear that even the calendars, newspaper, computer, watch, and well, everything seemed to indicate that today was May 16--but now I see that today is in actuality (at least seemingly) June 19!!! My world is jolted! How can this be? What will I do if even my latest revelation turns out to be false. Can I, will I ever be right?

Today

2004-05-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

Yep, it really is May 16--at least seemingly, that is.

S I T W!!!!

2004-05-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

O y, t r a s i t w o a. W d y t t t t a? I d k, I t I a g t s t t t n p. B f n. I t t t j m e u d t a c w.

Never Old

2004-04-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

It is an amazing gift young people have that makes them think they will never get old. The transformation is almost invisible, though, as they believe it even when they are not-so-young anymore. Then they start listening to what others say and they began doubting what they used to believe and the magic gives way to "reality". If only there was a way to keep that bit of magical thinking burning while tempering it with the rich experiences of life. Lives collect information from the constant bombardment of limiting factors which present themselves as reality and evidence. But this reality and this evidence serve only to block our paths to the magical, the heavenly, and the supernatural. There are unlimited amazing things to discover if only we could allow ourselves to go beyond this giant facade of limiting "knowledge".

Why On My Mind?

2004-04-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

Almost as if planted there, I have a random image in my head.

Much More Than Caffeine

2004-04-07T01:02:00.000-07:00

Looking into her eyes causes all of my neural impulses to scatter and terminate at unexpected targets causing at times ridiculously goofy reactions. How can this be plan unless she knows of her ability to cause such disruption? Now the cells that were forced into action by the misfired impulses seem obligated to give reason for their seemingly erratic behaviour and as they relay their excuses back to my brain, I see her image over and over again which in itself causes the whole process to repeat. This results in numerous episodes of smiling whilst staring at nothing, hearing nothing whilst "listening" to the hum and whine of others, doing nothing whilst "working", finding reasons to be in the general vicinity of the initial occurrence--the internal investigator--and, alas, dreaming once more that there indeed must be a heaven. She gives me a renewed respect for The Creator.

Trapper Trapped

2004-03-25T22:13:00.000-08:00

I think those who set traps deserve to catch something...

Shots Fired!

2004-03-22T00:08:00.000-08:00

Another shooting two blocks away. It appears to have been a drug related incident. Actually, rumours have it the person who was dealing the drugs dipped in a little too much himself and just went off shooting at his "innocent" customers. Apparently nobody was seriously injured and the shooter was caught--he didn't have the sense to make a get away. Now I'm thinking Alaska might have been a good thing.

On Deck

2004-03-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

Ah ha, now a bit of relief has come my way. Somebody who really wants it will be making the Alaska trip. For now, I'm on standby.

Down with No Post Apologies

2004-03-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

Reading from the "Fresh Blogs" list has created a phobia. I now pray that the blog I choose to click will not have the dreaded apology or excuse for having not written in some time.

"Well, it's been awhile since my last post..."
"I'm back..."
"It's been some time since my last blog, but things have been really hectic..."

These types of entries just kill me. I know--nobody told me to read them. It is their business, they can write whatever they want. True. I agree. I know I have defended writing bad posts myself. But no matter what, these "I'm back..." posts just zap the reading energy out of me.

At Last Ka

2004-03-13T19:16:00.000-08:00

Got my confirmation this morning--I'll be packing once again only this time for Alaska! I have no idea what to expect. I really can't take the cold for very long. I will be part of an eight-person team. I haven't investigated the details of the assignment but I hope it will at least be exciting.

Insignificantly Significant

2004-03-11T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to think that blogger is helping to take away my sense of individual identity and making me feel like I am just another bunch of cells. When I was little I used to think that I was special and unique. I knew what it was to be me and there was no way that anybody else could be even remotely like me.

Now after a life of experience and now reinforced through my reading of many different blogs, I no longer think I am so unique. I have come to realize that all of my unique thoughts have already been thought by someone else and will be thought by countless others time and again. Every invention I have thought up has already been invented by somebody else or will be. Every song I have ever written has already been written by somebody else or will be. I see situations and people repeat.

I used to feel like a was one in a million but now I know I am just one of millions. I used to feel irreplaceable. Now I know I am very expendable. At once I am sad for my loss but happy for what I have realized. I have realized that it is not necessary for my individual light to go on, for I have accepted that I am a part of something magnificent. There need not be a heaven or other selfish reward or punishment for me. Finally I have come to the conclusion that the world is not about me but is about the world of which I am a very small part. I am insignificantly significant.

Welcome Home

2004-03-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

Waking up in the middle of the night to the beat of a police helicopter sounding (and looking) like it is about to land on my bedroom is my welcome back home. I don't know what was going on but there was one police unit parked at the corner and several driving by looking for something or someone. The copter's spotlight was concentrated on a house two doors down. After about 30 minutes, several sirens, screeching tires and rev'ed up motors could be heard and shortly after that the copter left. I assume they found what or who they were looking for. In the morning I found my truck window had been broken but nothing was missing. I don't recall even seeing a police unit in northern Oregon.

No More Remote

2004-03-06T18:37:00.000-08:00

It much more fun connecting to the net directly than remotely. It's good to be home.

LA or Bust

2004-03-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

Yup, headed back to Socal--immediately.

Morning

2004-02-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

Warmth of the morning sun is helping me to see what a beautiful place this is.

Tr...

2004-02-26T23:53:00.000-08:00

Down Tuesday

2004-02-24T21:16:00.000-08:00

It should have been obvious. There is a reason for Blue Monday. Blue Monday leaves the possibility for the week to get better. I felt like a good Monday must be the sign of a really good week. But, no. Tuesday came crashing down. And there was no clearly defined reason or cause--just a dull cloudy, gloomy feeling. And that was followed up with a nice dose of crud. I kept my eye out for something I could blame. There had to be some occurrence, some justification, but it never made itself known. This Tuesday was devious enough to reach back to Monday for items to twist & turn and destroy. I was unprepared and unable to protect my Great Monday. I'm scrambling, looking for a way to keep this bad Tuesday from spilling over to Wednesday. I am feeling the negative part of every situation, every interaction. Smiles, frowns, comments, silence have all taken sides against me. Tonight I'm thinking I have no choice but to give this up and move back to Southern California. More thoughts are saying it will do no good to move. But I have to do something. I'll battle this out in my dreams. There must be something undone that is causing this upset. I'll search for the answer.

This Couldn't Have Been Monday

2004-02-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

Now I feel guilty. I made it through Monday and it was actually one of the best Monday's I have ever had. Bought a pickup in the morning. I must say, I'm not even entirely sure what it looks like--kind of generic, work truck type. But it's got a giant V8! I cruised up toward the Columbia and somehow got side-tracked and missed my appointment. I sort of accidently but willingly got lost. I didn't care. I care now, but I didn't care then. I'll have to find a way to explain away my loss of time. It really wasn't a loss. I loved it. This whole day has become fuzzy. I wonder if I will awake in the morning I wonder what the hell I was thinking. No, I managed to cheat the dredgery for one day. It was worth the guilt.

Stop Copying My Template!

2004-02-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

As I've been looking around the web, though at first flattered, I started becoming irratated that about 15% of the blogs I read look just like mine! Inside myself I began thinking they were mocking me, stealing my blog look! How DARE THEY! All of my creativeness is being stolen. Now I know how the musicians, song writers, publishers, software developers, photographers, artists, and everybody else feel when I steal their stuff. ---Oh, wait a minute, now I remember, I just used a stock Blogger Template. I guess that accounts for the 15% since there are only 7 to choose from. Pretend I didn't say all of that--and no, I'm not paranoid...

Which Way?

2004-02-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

Which, I wonder, is better: to depart with old one-way feelings and move on looking for some new feelings to grow--forcing when necessary; or, cling to old feelings, one-way as they may be, as long as they continue to remain a force embedded in all thought--and also knowing that those feelings have very well evolved beyond what they ever were in this recurring reality?

Death Test

2004-02-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, got the EATing thing done with, and after thinking about my diet, I took the DEATH TEST. It said, "I'm afraid we have some bad news. Please, you might want to stay seated." It stated that I would die on July 27, 2035 of a heart attack! Now that is bad news, I already new about the heart attack but I had no idea I would have to be around sooo long! Just the thought of that is enough to give me a heart attack right now!

Stir Crazy

2004-02-21T19:19:00.000-08:00

I just don't know how long I am going to last with this transfer. They insisted it would be a good break for me, a nice change of pace, but if it were not for this link to the rest of the world, I'd of jumped off the bridge long ago. My new favorite place to eat says "EAT" on the roof. Even McDonalds is 10 miles away. Now, not that "EAT" is a bad place, it's just EVERYDAY!. Sometimes twice a day. It's less than 30 degrees F. I know that's nothing to most but I'm just not used to it. When they said "transfer" I was thinking maybe a new city--something exciting. My mind is playing tricks on me. I saw her three times on Friday--and she's nowhere even close to this region! Maybe I'll just stick it out. I could get a couple of dogs. I could take up fishing and become an outdoorsman, I guess. A fireplace--that would make things more livable. My car, its just not a fit here, either. I'm thinking maybe a pickup truck--something I don't have to worry about keeping clean. Yeah, I'll go look tomorrow for a truck. Then I'll do a search and see what kind of dogs I can get that will get along with each other and me. Should they ride in the cab or in the bed? So many decisions. Guess I'll go get something to EAT.

Earthquake!

2004-02-21T17:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so it was nonsignificant--less than 2.0. I felt it nonetheless. I must have been in just the right spot on just the right surface to magnify the intensity. Nobody else even noticed. They laughed and said one of the cows farted! Huh...it turns out I was right! Of course it probably could have gone without me making a big deal out of it. Sometimes things are that way: they seem more serious than they are. I guess it works the other way around as well...

Blogger

2004-02-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

Wow, I've now been doing this just long enough to see some of my first posts get removed from the first page and on to the archives (haven't messed with the default settings). I at first thought, well what if I actually do some bit of writing I like? It will disappear. Hmmm, this then would be a good thing for all of the things I write for which I am less than pleased. It is forgiving. It says that things can get better with time. Of course, in order for things to get better, you have to get better. Your past mistakes and your accomplishments fade away. Oh, they are still there should one prefer to look them up--you can't escape your past and, likewise, you can't rest on your past merits, but you sure can try to make your present self as positive as possible. Our lives are works in progress. How else could it be? We learn from our mistakes.

Beautiful Day!

2004-02-15T19:15:00.000-08:00

An incredible day it was today.

There is somewhat of an art form required to stay in the conversation on some of the comment boxes at some of the higher traffic sites. When several people are commenting, the conversation begins getting emotionally charged and by the time I have given thought to my answer and posted, the subject has shifted and my comment is out of place. I guess people just fire away with their thoughts. Shoot from the hip. Or, I guess I am just too slow!!! Yeah--slow like honey, heavy with mood...

Selective Memory Loss?

2004-02-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

It could be there is something my pc does not want to remember. It passes all of the diagnostic tests. Maybe there is some survival feature built into it that prevents it from maintaining a constant memory. Maybe it fears remembering?

Wrong.

2004-02-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

Well, given enough testing, the HP Omnibook failed. It is back to the same old problem.

Online

2004-02-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

Finally, I got the notebook back and it seems as though they actually fixed it! There was seemingly a problem with the memory module. Of course, everytime I send it in, they blank out the drive so I have to spend considerable time reinstalling programs and the like. As is evidenced by my blog, I have no information or created documents that are worthy of saving. But nonetheless, I went out and got a backup hard drive so I won't lose any more of my worthless, deserved to be lost anyway, "work".

I wonder what is the average life span of a blog. Blogging is a bit like working out. It is very difficult to make it a part of the routine. At first it is like a new toy or a New Year's resolution or a new diet or, well anything new for that matter. But once the new car smell wears off, it's importance often fades. What are the keys to keeping up a weblog? For those that have to worry about keeping up a professional site full of valuable content, I would think that there is simply no substitute for lots of hard work. For those of us who want a place to excercise our language skills (?) and maybe post some thoughts, I would think simply posting something, anything as frequently as possible would allow us to become more familiar with improving our language and communication skills.

Mission Accomplished!!!

2004-02-11T23:24:00.000-08:00

Incredible! I am famous if even for a brief moment. The full text of my first critical review by Whose Shake Is This!!?":

"But it never fails.....my nice mood is brought crashing down by a poem about Coffee. Find it, if you dare, at: DownSydUp. Now I will give the person props for talking and commenting about other Blogs, and evidently she checks out the Fresh Blogs, just as I do. But that poem.............brrrrrrrrrrrr the horror!!"

First I'd like to thank God for giving me the opportunity to do the work I so enjoy, my mother & father for ... on second thought, I'll follow Andre 3000's lead and just say, STANK YOU!!!

Could Have Been

2004-02-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

I forgot to buy my lucky tickets today. Today is the day when they should have been bought. I can safely say that had I bought them today, I would be merrily on my way...to the bank! But no, I decided I had more important things to tend to. Oh well, things would have been different, but since most things I know of are relative, things are different--well that is in comparison to how they could've been.

?sdrawkcaB

2004-02-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

Sharks have two eyes. All beings with two eyes are sharks.

My Reward

2004-02-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

God must have glanced at my past couple of blogs and decided that I was overstepping my bounds and forgetting my place. Today I was rewarded with a ROOTCANAL! Knives, scrapers, needles, files, grinders, sprayers, vacuumers, x-rays, bite-blocks, stitches, tooth dust & cement. I did not get any pain pills, I paid $650 (beyond my insurance coverage) and I missed 1/2 day of work. Have you ever had that shot that goes through the roof of your mouth? When I look back a couple of blogs ago to Sunday I see that it really is all a conspiracy. 1 dozen Krispy Kremes? I should have seen it coming.

LOOK!

2004-02-09T01:14:00.000-08:00

your quickened steps were noted
oh so slick is your little game
to this position you weren't voted
stop now or you'll get the blame

I'm looking for someone to fire...

barrage

2004-02-09T00:40:00.000-08:00

abouttospewforthabarrageofmorethanbeforeican'thold
itinlookslikei'vebeenawaytolongforyouforyouhaveforgotten
meyoudisrespectmeyouhavelostyourfaithandnowisthetime
thatcountsandyouarestillplayingyourgamesandthinkingiam
deadandnotknowingthatiamstillhereyoulaughinmyfaceand
youarestillplayingyourgamesandthinkingiamdeadandnot
knowingthatiamstillhereyoutakeawaymytoolsandclingto
yourlittleconditionsbutyoushouldbecarefulbecausei'm
abouttospewforthabarrageofmorethanbeforeican'tholditin
andyoujustmightgetwashedawaybecauseallyoucandois
playbecauseyouhavecometothinkthatyouareinchargeand
youareincontrolbutwhenyouarewashedawayyouwillbesorry
youwillwishyoudidn'tloseyourfaithyouwillwishyouknewi
wasn'tdeadandyouwillwishyoustillrespectedmeandyouwill
wishyoudidnotlaughinmyfaceandmockmeyoushouldthink
quickbecauseican'tholditinitiscomingandtherewillbeno
stoppingitandiwon'thearyourcrysbecauseyouwillbewashed
awayinthebarrageanditwillbetoolatesotakethisasyouwillbut
knowthaticannotholdthisinandwhenitcomesyoumightbe
goneyoumaybewon'tlistenyoumaybewillthinkitfunnybutitell
youthatiamhereandiamnotdeadandiamabouttospewfortha
barrageofmorethanbeforeandifyoustillareplayingaround
andstilltakingmytoolsandplayingyourgamesyouwillbe
washedawayandiwillnothearyourcrysbecauseicannotholdit
inandiwillnotknowtobesorryforyoubecauseyouwillbe
washedawaybutyouwillbesorry

complainandaccuseandcomplainandaccuse

2004-02-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

whycomplainandaccusebutyoudon'tconsidertheresults
ofwhatyoupreachnordoyouofferabettersolutionjust
complainandaccuseyouaresorightwhiletheworldisso
wrongshallwefollowwhatyoupreachandjuststandbyand
donothing?thenyouwouldbesayingthatsomething
shouldbedoneorshouldhavebeendonebecauseiknow
yourtypeyoujustcomplainandaccuseandaccuseand
complainyouwantnoresponsibilitywhenitistimetomake
atoughcriticaldecisionnoyoujustwanttocomplainand
accuseandsaytheworldiswrongyouwouldratherhave
theworldsufferwhilewestandbyanddonothingyouthink
weshouldexistinasolitarystateandpretendwedon't
knowhowtomakeitbetteryoucitethesacrificesandyou
seektoblamebutallthingsofgreatbenefittomanhave
comeatsomesacrificeandthatsacrificeisusually
tremendousbutwhatwouldyouhaveusdostandbyand
lettheworldsufferletpeoplecryoutforhelpwhilewestand
byandwatchpretendingthatitisnotourproblem
pretendingthatthisisnotourworldyouwanttocontinue
tohidebehindtheoldexcusethatweneedtotakecareof
thoserightherefirstorletthemtakecareoftheirown
businessbutwhenitbecomesourbusinessbecausewe
arethreatenedthenyouwillsaywellwhydidn'twedo
somethingaboutitbeforeandyouwillcomplainand
accuseandyouwillalwaysberightandtheworldwill
alwaysbewrongwhenihearyousayweshouldstopiknow
iwouldnotwanttobeapersoninneedaroundyou
becauseyouwillsayitisnotyourproblemandyouwilllet
medisappearandbeabsorbedbytheproblemsthatare
notyoursbutwhatwillyousaywhenitisyouwhoarein
need?willyoucomplainandaccuseifwedaretosacrifice
tohelpyou?

Just One More!!!

2004-02-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

It's just too easy. You can drive up and order Krispy Kreme doughnuts! I tried to order only 6, but the Krispy Kreme Hat Wearing person at the other end of the electronically extended voice convinced me that it would be a better deal to get a dozen! They didn't ask how many people I was feeding these doughnuts to, they just told be that it would cost $4.74 for 1/2 dozen whereas a full dozen would cost only $5.99! "Okay, make it a full dozen!" I surrendered.
"We're now serving Krispy Kreme Original Glazed fresh & hot by the dozen! How many dozen would you like?"
"Yes, I already said make it a dozen." I guess they are required to make that statement even if they have already made the sale. I am seriously considering eating the full dozen. You know, these doughnuts are much smaller than other donuts. I mean, it practically takes three to make one regular sized donut. So eating 12 would be like eating only 4! And, today is Sunday. This is the day when I can eat doughnuts, isn't it? So what if I screw up my sugar/insulin balance. It will be back to normal by Wednesday. Plus, what's the use in having them fresh & hot if you don't eat them when they are fresh & hot? I'm sure the doughnut people must know that it is okay for one person to eat a full dozen or else they wouldn't be pushing the sale, right? If they were bad for you, they would make you be a certain age and then card you when you went to buy them, right? No, they let kids buy these so they must be good for you.
They are good. Hmmm. Yummmm. Goooooood...

Sorry!

2004-02-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

How odd, it is just like when you take your car in with a problem that has been happening constantly and then the problem goes away while the mechanic test the car. I have been tracking "Hot Abercrobie Chick" since this morning on the "Fresh Blogs" listing and only 10 minutes ago it has stopped appearing there! Nevermind...

Characters

2004-02-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

More on the discussion about blog characters as begun on a blog by a cat named Kiwi. I have been carefully watching the traffic on the "Hot Abercrobie Chick" blog. Quite a few folks are writing in on the comments. Also, have you ever noticed that "Hot Abercrobie Chick" is on just about every single refresh of the "Fresh Blogs" on the Blogger Home Page? At first I just thought that the author was republishing every minute. Then I tried it myself--not easy to get on every single one. In fact it is almost impossible. Next, there might be a way to automate this from the outside or there might be a service that does this for you or somebody might be sponsoring this site to get it maximum exposure. It could even be an Abercrobie Fitch campaign or an experiment by Blogger. The comment posting will not register as republish to get it on the "Fresh Blogs". If I was a publicity or marketing agent for a company, I would definitely be trying such strategies. "Amanda" even says that she periodically checks to see who is linking to her site. Next thing I know, I put a link! What power! I fell for the gimmick. Not only that, I like the gimmick so I will leave the link. Okay, its time for another cup of coffee. Anybody care to join me?

Coffee with Blog Please

2004-02-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

Yes, who really is who? I see lots of fronts. I guess it's good excercise. One must realize just where they are. And, this Notebook computer sucks big time. It has been "repaired" but now has developed a new problem as windows 2K continually goes into memory dump. I will be very surprised if it makes it through this post. I want to kill it except for the fact that it looks so good. It might be worth just carrying it around. I guess it will not crash if I don't turn it on, right? Yeah, it does look good.

Remains

2004-02-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

I still would rather go with the least costly legal way to dispose of my remains. I really do not want to have a marker to continually indicate and remind (nobody) of my lifelessness. It is such a waste. And who is it for? Certainly not me. If my remains are burnt, I don't care to have them spread over the ocean or anything like that. That is so silly. Why do we continue to do such silly things? Who is it all for?

Continually I am disappointed in my lack of ability to latch on to this thing that keeps presenting itself as reality. Just because it is fairly consistent, it thinks somehow that that makes it special and worthy of prominence. Also, what is it with my brain--why do I get so fascinated with sentences that use two "that" words in a row?

When they burn you, do they put you in a box or do they just shove you in there? If they must waste a box, I think just a plain pine box would be beautiful. It could have knot holes and many imperfections and absolutely no finish (paint, stain nor varnish). Of course if a box is not required, then simply shoving off into the heat would probably be least wasteful.

My Love

2004-01-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

Coffee is my true love.
Coffee is my soulmate.
I love the warm feeling it has when it is near.

Coffee doesn't require elaborate speech to understand me.
Coffee is forgiving of my many imperfections.
Coffee makes me feel important.

It makes me feel like it is warm for me.
On a cold day, the warmth of my hands helps to keep my coffee warm
and my coffee helps to keep my hands warm.

I whisper secrets to my coffee
as she whispers steamily back into my face.
I breathe in every word and love every taste.

Setting

2004-01-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

Our battlefields take many forms.
Some seem trivial, some seem serious.
It is a mistake to take the seemingly trivial not seriously.