Now I am definitely out of my comfort zone and teetering on the edge. This is not necessarily anything new to me. I have a pattern of being on the edge for an extended period and then moving to the comfort zone for an extended period. I am putting everything into this and hoping it all works out. Unless some solid positive things occur, it will not work out. Now that I have put myself on the edge, I am beginning to realize just how shaky my support base is. There might be trouble brewing that I am not able to overcome. My lack of formal training is becoming extremely apparent and I am in way over my head. I am doing my best to stay afloat but the current is just washing me away. Maybe it was assumed that I was a good swimmer. I need to rethink an alternative plan--fast.
Time and again I have observed that I am a composition of equal amounts of relative positive and negative. When I am fully blended, I am a boring bored gra(e)y. When I get motivated and push hard to be positive, I seem to succeed only in separating my elements of composition. I appear to become an extreme hypocrite, for almost as surely as I move my positive particles together to form one more purely positive mass, I also succeed in leaving all of my negative particles to form a more purely negative mass of their own.
The day carried over enough of those failures that know how to build up and avalanche down overpowering any resemblence of resistance. Amazingly and without good explanation, mercy proliferated and I was able to wade through the mess to survive the day. Now I know all about working hard to earn positive feelings but truly I am feeling great after making it through on luck and mercy alone. This again reminds me of the value of a merciful god. This god is merciful enough to send a beautiful angel down to enlighten my soul if only for a couple of minutes. Yes, Erin F. walked in and smoothly sang her song then exited leaving a delicately beautiful taste in the air. God knew exactly what it would take to get my attitude grinning. The day was still not over, still had plenty of reason to turn bad but for some strange lucky reason, it all stayed together. I even seemed to get stronger as the day went on. Feeling somewhat exhausted but happy, I tended to a few additional tasks and then headed home. While fueling up the car, I heard a shopping cart rattling toward me accompanied by a voice asking, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The cart owner lit up when he realized that he found someone who was truly intrigued by the question. In fact, after 15 minutes of discussion, he totally forgot to deliver his plea for change. I completely forgot that he might ask. Though he was hopelessly jumping from one biblical assertion to the next, searching to make another connection, I remained afixed on the original question. I asked him to repeat his original question and he seemed lost almost as though he didn't even remember what that question was. So I repeated it myself to him. You asked me, I said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" He looked for an appropriate followup but none was available. My real question to him was, "Isn't heaven a selfish concept?" He weakly argued some cliched points and slowly faded from my presence. Still I pondered, isn't heaven a selfish concept? Am I expected to do good so that I can be judged in such a way as to earn my way to heaven? What if god said, "No matter what you do in this life, I am going to send you to hell where you will suffer for all eternity." Would that be a ticket to do bad? Or would I still try to do good?