He seems to enjoy calling me out for a little game of 1-on-1. And so slyly does he operate. Right in front of all except only visible to me. It's not at all as it is often portrayed, yet it is exactly as it is told.
Don't be so paranoid. It's just a little fish. They're all over. It's completely harmless. You are always trying to make things into much more than they are.
Undoubtedly I am on a downward slide. Time continues on as normal while I seem to be in slow motion. It is really difficult to come out of it. Even though I know exactly how to, I seem to be bent on going where it will take me. Physically I feel a very strange sensation. It is not a headache, though my reactions to it are the same as if it were. The head down, hand on forehead, stressed squint when looking up and exaggerated slow movements are all very common indicators that I am in this downward slide. I have very little patience now with others. Their reaction to me amplifies the intensity of my downward slide. I wake up constantly at 2:10am and feel tired but wide awake. My mind replays thoughts over and over again. The sensation I have is like my brain is full of holes, like swiss cheese. I also have a feeling that I remember having as a kid when I was in trouble for something. It is like I have been crying for a long time, though I haven't. My eyes burn and I feel cold. I feel like curling up under some heavy blankets. My intake of coffee goes up considerably during this time. Neither the slide nor the interupted sleep are initiated by coffee though it probably contributes once all is in motion. I think the main reason that I increase coffee during this time is because I feel like I need that crutch after not being able to sleep restfully. Along with the coffee, I seem to start to crave sweet things. Coffee and sweet things become my dear friends. I feel almost like my coffee is a conscious being. This must be how hardcore drugs are for some. I'm very glad I never let myself go that direction. I'll bet my personality fits to a tee the type that gets into trouble with mind altering substances.
So what is the way that I know so exactly to pull myself out of this slide? Physical exertion. It works and it works quickly. My mood changes so drastically that I can sit there an hour afterwards laughing and wondering why I had such a hard time actually making myself do it. It really is like being two separate people--that is how big a difference it makes. Though it has an immediate effect, it must be continued on a regular basis or else back into the downward slide is unavoidable. Even as I sit here and write about it, I cannot get going. I am feeling like laying down. I don't understand. Anybody not in this trance would think this sounds ridiculous, the remedy is right there in sight but enacting it is difficult. It is almost like there is a force within myself that wants to take the downward slide. I think I'll have another cup of coffee, that will motivate me to do it. Maybe I'll have some cookies with that coffee. I'm serious. Oh, maybe I'll watch "Analyze This!" I like that.
If I was stranded in the wilderness without anything, I think I would probably really miss nail clippers.